I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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