friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
