life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
