the condom got lost in my hair
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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