Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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