The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
