this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Alive.
So much puke
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
