My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
