Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
