My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
