Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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