Have you finally orgasmed yet?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize