so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
