i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
