yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
