I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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