Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
