Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
