I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
