the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
