There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
