I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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