the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
