my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
