who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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