The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
40s are totally the cure
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