Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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