I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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