No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
