i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
