Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
