Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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