you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We left an ass print on the piano.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
