all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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