i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
