Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
