she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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