Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize