I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
