Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
