i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
