3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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