We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
