i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
