the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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