so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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