Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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