I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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