she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
