everyone is single if you try hard enough
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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