I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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