Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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