i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
