Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
