no, he came in my armpit
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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