I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
