i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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